


It Doesn’t Matter. (Oh God, It Does.)

by AnonymouslyDead



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel getting rescued, Castiels feelings, Crying, Dean saving Cas, Hugging, I didnt watch this episode, M/M, Reunion, Turbo Hell, but have a fix it for turbo hell, loss of feeling, sensory overload?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-19 03:48:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29744523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymouslyDead/pseuds/AnonymouslyDead
Summary: Cas sits in The Empty and tries to rationalize things. That is until Dean rescues him, and he doesn’t have to.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	It Doesn’t Matter. (Oh God, It Does.)

The Empty was nothing. A cold, dark unrelenting nothing that permeated Castiel’s senses, overwhelming them with its total absence. It pulled at Castiel’s memories of days in Earth’s warm sun with blue skies before him and the luscious greens under his feet.

How had he never taken the time to appreciate it, to see more, to taste more, to feel and hear it all one last time. All the chatter and noise and little inconveniences of Earth one last time...

The unforgiving dark stared back at him, his sight straining to catch some instance of light. To see again. If he could technically see at all now. 

It didn’t matter. There was nothing. Always nothing.

Seconds crawled by. Or maybe, it was hours. It could’ve been centuries or millennia. He supposed it didn’t really matter in the scheme of things. 

It didn’t matter. He didn’t matter. This was how it was to be. This was how it was going to end no matter what. 

He took a little solace in that he died doing the right thing, but that couldn’t carry him through nothing. 

The time stretched on. Castiel more than once wondered what the Winchesters were doing. Were they looking for him? Were they clawing for a way to save him? Or, had they moved on, growing old like humans do? Would Sam and righteous Dean forget everything before them? Forget him?

It was a selfish thought to hope they hadn’t, but it didn’t matter. The empty just stared back.

He had wanted to cry, to scream, to lash out, some sort of release from the emotions that festered endlessly in him. But as he tries, he did not hear, he did not feel, and he did not feel a release. It was like all of his senses had been numbed like the way his vessel’s hands would lose feeling in colder temperatures…

It did not matter. 

It didn’t matter. He didn’t matter, because he’d done what needed to be done. Dean had taught him that. Do what must be done to keep those you loved safe…

He hoped they were safe. 

They had to be. 

Castiel tried to find his solace in that thought, to bury himself in it so that this would be fine. That this wouldn’t matter. 

But, it did matter to him. There was nothing for him now. He was nothing, and that's all he would ever be now. 

Castiel screamed. He made no noise, and nothing called back. 

**********************************

...And then all at once, it came crashing back. Light flooded his eyes, filling his eyes with stinging colors he had almost forgotten. He inhaled in shock, feeling his chest fill with air, and exhaled with a slight rasp. 

He stood dumbfounded at these feelings. Footsteps on tile floors, bottles clinking along the floor, fingers digging into his shoulders-no, the fabric weighing on his shoulders…

It all sent his mind into overdrive. Now, it was too much, too soon, and he couldn’t process it all. The light burned, his skin itched with feeling, and his shallow breaths screamed in his ears. 

“Sam! Sam! It worked!” The familiar voice hammered in his ears while the fingers on his shoulders tightened. “God, Cas…” 

Castiel reached forward blindly into the waiting body, his eyes shut against the offending lights and colors. He fell into strong arms and latched his fingers onto a worn bomber jacket he knew. He moved to bury his face in the material as well. 

Tears started to flow before he knew it. His fingers tightened until they ached with the effort. A wave of emotion crashed into him topped off by the overload around him. A whimper escaped his mouth, and he wondered if he could weather this too. 

“Cas…” Dean’s voice rumbled in his chest. His arms wrapped tight around him, one hand moving up to rest at the nape of the neck. Castiel sobbed on into his shoulder. 

First, it was the overwhelming feeling that drove him. But as he rested against Dean, he adjusted somewhat to feeling without the overwhelming light. 

That’s when he realized that this was just what he missed. And like that, he sobbed some more. 

“Cas…” Dean’s voice wavered. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

Castiel started to pull away at that, wanting to look at Dean. But then, Dean’s grip tightened, forcing him to stay where he was. 

“I’m sorry. We should’ve gotten to you sooner. I should’ve worked harder. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through and how with how we left things-“

“Dean, it’s ok.” Castiel felt little drops pitter against his coat. “Dean, it’s ok. I’m fine. Just...how?” 

“Don’t worry about that.” Dean said, his voice hitching a bit. “All that matters is that you’re back. You’re here. It’s fine.”

And for the moment, Castiel let himself believe that and stood nestled tightly in Dean’s arms, feeling something for once in a long time. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comment what you think and hit kudos what you think! 
> 
> Maybe stop by my insta at anonymouslydead_1
> 
> [Catch me on my insta](https://www.instagram.com/p/CL0GRGwlkVJ/?igshid=19bwu665qm2ox)


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